I’ve got much to do to prepare for moving out of this house and striking out. I need to sell my possessions, clean my house, get it ready for sale, and sell it. This needs to be done in 6 weeks and 2 days, according to the schedule which I have set for myself. But I’m hiding from it!
I’ve already resigned myself to being late. I’m procrastinating brilliantly. I am studying computer science, learning German and Thai. I take long walks and play volleyball every day. I listen to Dan Carlin podcasts, binge watch Vikings, and go out to drink with friends. I drink alone, too. Oh, and occasionally I move forward with my plans. But the pace is slow.
What is wrong with me, God damn it? I wonder, is there anything I could seek after that will bring me to decisive and consistent action? I remember being in college, as an undergraduate, and I worked diligently. Same as a graduate student. But somewhere, some of the life has gone out, some of the radiant hope has been replaced with apathy and bad habits have crept in.
What is the purpose of all of this? I am seeking to find adventure and at first blush I’m only meeting resistance. It reminds me of “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield, wherein he talks about Resistance with a Big R that artists must fight in order to discover their muse. I also think of the saying that the muse will only find a man when he is working. I’m thinking of how I’m supposed to find my passion by dropping the pretense of the rat race. By simplifying my life, I will uncover my true desires. Or at least, that’s my working premise at the moment.
Right now, I have only to report that it’s slow going. It’s too late to turn back, thankfully; I have thrown my hat over the wall and must now get to the other side to retrieve it. But by every measure at the moment, my destiny is to cultivate my lazy nature. I feel like I’m hiding from the path I’ve set out for myself. I know this is going to be epic, but no Hero’s Journey can be had without some slogging. In all this resistance, my current goal is to get a few hours’ work done per day.
I fear none of this post will make much sense to the reader. Perhaps it just sounds like a bunch of self-absorbed musings from a confused and uncertain man letting an ordinary midlife crisis drive him into a foolish dream. Well, so be it. I apologize to anyone reading this. I hope the story gets more interesting as time goes along. THAT is truly the goal!