Last night I dreamed I was packing up to move out of my old home in Livermore, CA. I was upset because I had to get rid of my wastebaskets. I thought to myself in my dream, now I have nothing, no possessions, what a huge mistake this is! I woke up with a disturbed feeling.
My dreams are so vivid and emotionally salient to me in the mornings that I think of them fairly often, and they have an impact on my waking life sometimes. I know many people hardly notice they even happen or don’t remember them at all. I think it might be some form of connection between my subconscious and conscious that is more hyperactive in me, which also relates to my connecting the rational and emotional aspects of my life intimately.
I’m reading a book called “The Twenty Four Hour Mind” right now about how dreams are where the mind integrates the new stuff from the day with what is already there. This is done emotionally primarily. I have known for many years that while I feel a sense that my dreams are telling me something, the message is not at all clear, and acting on what I think they are saying is usually not helpful, as the end result is usually to doubt myself. So many of my dreams are what I call “worry dreams” which I think might just be my mind’s attempt to synthesize my worries about the future with my view of the world. In the end, the book is allowing me to see the bad feelings as a healthy outlet for me.
I’m currently staying with family in Idaho, enjoying a fun and peaceful time with my brother and his wife and family. Honestly, the past few weeks have been heavy on alcohol and other intoxicants, sleeping in and even smoking cigarettes, which is very low on the list of good drugs. I’ve been partying hard. And for the past couple of days, I’ve cleaned up, hit the workouts harder, turned my attention to my finances and my logistics moving forward.
I’m starting to get truly impatient to move on and execute the next phase of my plan, which is… oh crap, what is it again? I am really feeling the weight of not having a firm grip on my life, being perhaps too unstructured. It seems stressful having so many big things still undecided.
There is a comfort in certainty. I have been reassuring myself about safety and security, which I believe I have plenty of, but what about purpose and structure? I gave up a massively structured life, which seemed less than what I wanted, hoping to discover what that itch was telling me. And I don’t have the answer yet. Just the itch. It’s uncomfortable.
When I think of the projects I might engage in moving forward, none of them have the heft of a grand adventure. Teaching English? Yes, probably fun, but kind of a means to an end, not the end in itself. The great thing about computers was that they seemed like a way to have fun and earn money at the same time. Will that be possible in Thailand?
Time will tell.