The mind of a smoker

For a long time now, I’ve had the mind of a non-smoker.  Smoking is stupid, dirty, a waste of money, and a danger to your health.  And I think that’s part of the point of why people do it.  It’s like a big middle finger to the world of concern, a way to express how little you are worried about what life has to bring you.

But the irony is that smoking makes you less healthy, and therefore less well equipped to deal with whatever really shows up in your life.

My history with smoking began when I was 10 years old.  I smoked for 10 years, finally quitting when I was 20.  It’s a habit that was very hard to break, and one that subsequently I never missed.  I always was proud at my willpower in finding a way out of that trap.

Well, a year or so ago, some friends and I were out drinking and one of them decided to smoke a cigarette.  On a whim, I joined in.  I don’t know why.  I was drunk and it seemed like a fun departure from my normal routine.  We were celebrating freedom and new beginnings, and it just seemed to fit into the mood of lascivious debauchery.  It was such a fun add-on that I began occasionally smoking after that.  In fact, I can say looking back on 2016, that this has been the biggest mistake I’ve made.  Slowly, bit by bit, month by month, I became more of a smoker.

I did not consider myself a smoker, just someone that occasionally smoked.  I never got above 5 cigarettes in a day.  Most days I did not smoke at all.  But by the time I moved here to Bangkok, three weeks ago, I had really basically in truth become an occasional smoker.  I have recently noticed that most weeks, most days I smoke at least one cigarette, and the past week I think I have smoked between one and five cigarettes every day.  I have started heading downstairs for a smoke, specifically for that purpose.

This morning, as I was on a biweekly call to my friends, in which we support each other in what’s important in our lives, I finally decided to call bullshit on this.  I have quit.  Part of me does not want to.  But the part of me that I want running my life, the part that gives me health, strength, and happiness, knows that cigarettes are just not part of a smart and strong plan for living life.  I love sports, I love physical activity, and I need all the strength I can muster for the international adventure I’ve chosen for my life.

So this morning this note is on my wall.

When I say I’m going to do something and make a clear statement like this, I do it.  I threw my cigarettes in the trash and told my friends I’m quitting.  I’m posting this for the world to see.  I dug my cigarettes back out and urinated on them!  LOL  It’s over.  Good riddance.