I’m currently staying with family in Idaho, enjoying a fun and peaceful time with my brother and his wife and family. Honestly, the past few weeks have been heavy on alcohol and other intoxicants, sleeping in and even smoking cigarettes, which is very low on the list of good drugs. I’ve been partying hard. And for the past couple of days, I’ve cleaned up, hit the workouts harder, turned my attention to my finances and my logistics moving forward.
I’m starting to get truly impatient to move on and execute the next phase of my plan, which is… oh crap, what is it again? I am really feeling the weight of not having a firm grip on my life, being perhaps too unstructured. It seems stressful having so many big things still undecided.
There is a comfort in certainty. I have been reassuring myself about safety and security, which I believe I have plenty of, but what about purpose and structure? I gave up a massively structured life, which seemed less than what I wanted, hoping to discover what that itch was telling me. And I don’t have the answer yet. Just the itch. It’s uncomfortable.
When I think of the projects I might engage in moving forward, none of them have the heft of a grand adventure. Teaching English? Yes, probably fun, but kind of a means to an end, not the end in itself. The great thing about computers was that they seemed like a way to have fun and earn money at the same time. Will that be possible in Thailand?
Time will tell.
